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I have Read the Worst Comic I have ever read (this week)

Don’t mean to overuse that headline (and, actually, it wasn’t really Arsenal-level bad), but I thought that this week’s Brightest Day Aftermath: The Search For Swamp Thing #1 was pretty inexcusably poor.

 

My practical knowledge of how Englishmen actually really and truly speak is mostly limited to watching BBC shows imported into America, and a few late-night phone conversations with Neil Gaiman, but I am fairly certain that no Englishman ever actually sounds anything like what Jonathan Vankin portrays here (which is weird, because his two Vertigo Pop series [Tokyo and Bangkok] seem fairly culturally sensitive)

 

It’s like…. mm, “Dick Van Dyke IS John Constantine!”, y’know?

 

That sucks, no doubt, but what I actually hated more was the portrayal of John Constantine that has him casually tossing off magic (foiling a robbery, knocking out Alfred via remote, entering the batmobile, entering The Green?!?!?! sheesh), and paying no price for any of it whatsoever. The thing about JC was that it was pretty unclear if he ever DID magic (at least in those original Swamp thing appearances), or if he was just good at tricking people, and that what we know he DID do, ALWAYS had a price, hopefully paid by someone else.

 

I might like to see that version of JC, especially in the waning days of the “old” DCU — Batman getting turned into those weird backwards head babies or whatever, Hawkman going mad, and leaping out of a window without his wings or some shit — but not this “a seedy Zatanna” version.

 

Also, like WHICH DCU is this taking place within? ‘cuz, see, *I* remember Swamp Thing terrorizing Batman and Gotham City in a pretty spectacular way when they took Abbey from him. Batman knows alllllll about Swamp thing, so to have JC do the remedial version for him, or Batman to call ST “the hero of Star City” is…. well it’s pretty fucking weird and awkward isn’t it?

 

(This is what I dread about the nuDCU that is coming — we’ll get a new Superman who, likely, was never married to Lois Lane, yet “Identity Crisis still happened”, which is like “Um, how?” That book had Superman worried about… Lois getting hurt.)

 

Even if you assume “Oh, it’s Dick, and not Bruce”, Swampy nearly destroying Gotham City HAD to have made the national nightly news, right?

 

Then there’s that last few lines of dialogue (uh, spoiler warning, I guess?): “If Alec [Holland] [Also] came BACK with his OWN consciousness, well, then, mate, we’d all be in a RIGHT mess, then, wouldn’t we?”

 

We would? Ah! Ah! FEAR the middle-aged failed-biologist who was dumb enough to believe the Government wasn’t trying to weaponize his discoveries! SCARY!

 

There’s absolutely nothing likeable about this comic book, and it not only fundamentally misunderstands john Constantine, but makes Batman look like a moron, as well. Nice trick!

 

This was pure CRAP, or as this comic might have put it: “Strewth, that was a right load of cobblers, oi, guv’nor?”

 

But, what did YOU think?

 

-B

 

 

18 Responses to “ I have Read the Worst Comic I have ever read (this week) ”

  1. When I read the preview tacked onto books a couple weeks back I knew it would be crap. I did not buy it. Bully for me.

  2. Thanks for the review. I was tempted to pick it up today. Now I know better.

    Mike

  3. I hope you didn’t actually pay for that and I feel bad for anyone who does.

  4. >> “This is what I dread about the nuDCU that is coming”

    Amen, Brother Hibbs. Amen.

  5. I think I won’t be getting it, as I planned.

    I will however, be flipping through it to have a chuckle at some of the scenes mentioned.

  6. Somewhere Mike Sterling is crying himself to sleep tonight.

  7. I read somehwere this week that DiDio is all hyped up about quality for nuDCU. Not so much in these last months. This book was terrible and these Flashpoint tie-ins are complete garbage.

  8. “We would? Ah! Ah! FEAR the middle-aged failed-biologist who was dumb enough to believe the Government wasn’t trying to weaponize his discoveries! SCARY!”

    Not to mitigate the issue as a whole (my fears about bringing JC into the DCU were fully realized), but JC doesn’t fear Alec Holland, he fears Swamp Thing no longer having Alec Holland’s pseudo-consciousness to restrain him.

  9. Mr. Hibbs, you are quite correct in your certanity “that no Englishman ever actually sounds anything like what Jonathan Vankin portrays here”.

    All we sons of Albion, every man Jack of us I’ll be bound, sound *exactly* like Don Cheadle in OCEAN’S ELEVEN.

  10. No Barney, JohnK(UK).

  11. Blinder, Corey(Ottawa). Blinder, my son.

  12. JohnK(UK)

    I would have picked Group Captain Lionel Mandrake. Totally. I mean if Sellers didn’t get it right my entire understanding of accents is basically a lie.

  13. Blimey! I always hated the character myself.
    Trenchcoat, smoking and being super smug as his superpowers.

    yawn.

  14. Also, while it seems exceedingly awkward as you phrased it (I haven’t read the issue yet) perhaps JC was referring to the trouble caused by having a Swamp Thing not tied to the relative humanity of Holland imprinting left?

    So Holland = not a problem
    Swamp Thing sans Holland = right mess?

  15. Sorry Medieval Guy. I just stepped all over your point. Apologies!

  16. Medieval Guy and J_Smitty: Problem with that theory is that IS NOT WHAT THE ART SHOWS. The art shows ALEC HOLLAND rising out of the Swamp, with an evil look on his face.

    -B

  17. @J_Smitty: Ah! According to Royal Decree the “Group Captain Lionel Mandrake” is only employed when Americans are near. It winds ’em up right good and proper and no mistake, luv!

  18. I’m more upset about the fact that Jim Lee did the cover to the new Hellblazer TPB collection that came out recently.

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